"Tossing off into their own mouths" Review of Virus, London

Virus Studios, 6-9 Timber St, London.

Virus, Virus, Virus…

5/5 stars (if you have over 20k on Instagram)
3/5 stars if you aren’t

The first Virus event I attended took place in the AV room inside W1 Curates. A sweatbox with digital screens for walls and a single air purifier in the corner screaming for its life. A few were partying inside and a queue was waiting patiently to get in; ketamine fiends who look as though they have just come from school, wannabe fashion heads and a few creatives all chomping at the bit to get a piece of the action. Overall, the vibes are up. But, the management is a letdown. The owners were “operating the doors” - a shallow excuse to profile those with the highest follower count or let in groups of 16-year-old girls with fake IDs. It's a muddled system where no one really knows who is in the smoking area, and who is queuing, but no one really gives a fuck as everyone is high on various research chemicals.

If you are currently a chronically online music head, in or around London, you have probably been to a Virus event (or attempted to get in). Brainchild of nepo-demon duo Oliver Ashley, son of billionaire sports direct owner Mike Ashley and Tom Burkitt, legendary HFT Ian Connor meat rider (probably the first time it has been consensual), it has come to dominate the UK music scene. Here is your definitive shitpost summarising "Virus":

While many think of it as a club night, it all stems from a studio near Old Street. Buried in the dark corridors of W1 Curates lies ‘Virus Studios’ an unofficial rebrand of the basement recording space which hosts each and every popular electronic and underground musician you could name. From Rainy Miller to Plaqueboymax - hell - even Felix Lee strumming himself off, this is the go to spot for creating music when you are in London. If you aren’t in the studios themselves, you might bump into Ecco2K eating a Chinese takeaway in the kitchen. The reason Virus works is because they exchange studio time for performances at their events, packing their lineups with all those who happen to be about at the time, keeping the budget below an eye-watering amount. The real strides are made in selling the extra studio time itself. The events are always guaranteed to lose money, especially since they offer them for free. This screams London. It seems there are a number of events disguising themselves under the mantra of giving back to the community while simultaneously trying to use their resources to dominate the nightlife scene, leaving grassroots venues and events struggling to catch up outlined in Phin Jenning's recent Guardian article.

Fast forward a few months from the first event and we are at Venue MOT. This time it is out of their hands for the security and infrastructure, a positive departure from the system at the first few events, however they still managed to fuck up the entry. Tom is on the doors again, giving out wristbands to those coming in, and supposedly checking who has RSVP’d, but spending more time trying to chat up girls in the queue. However, when inside, the music blurs all negative connotations, and the sets are back to back to back bangers. Highlights included Wraith9 and Lancer, who are mainly focused on for their production for other artists. Their live sets are always the pinnacle of Virus nights. This is where the true gems of Virus lie, the team behind the scenes making real artistry, not the vapid slop of names, with a secret set by Luka Sabbat and Filthy. (It honestly would be more entertaining to watch both of them toss off into their own mouths than hear Luka clang for the 5th time in a row).

I was gonna talk about one of the nights at Ormside here but lowkey I can’t be fucked…

It’s one big rinse. There is a lot of money going around, but you're just another number to them. They will revel in your escalating attempts to wow them (unless you are Ship Sket, who they rightfully worship, love that don). Realistically, it’s another attempt to buy up the UK music scene, disguised under the mantra of ‘giving back’ through the non-existent entry fee. This isn’t for your benefit. Why would they do this if there wasn’t a gain from the reach? This is nothing new, yet another blow to artists who don’t have the insane capital to throw at growing their following.

At the end of the day, none of this shit matters, we are all still going to turn up to the next one. We will probably contract some new strain of avian flu from the sickly children in the smoking area, so I’ll see you at the next one, and you will probs catch me leaving with a bottle of Belvedere vodka that I stole from behind the bar (again).

Much love,

Alan_Bumbaclart_Partridge